Thoughts

11:11 

I wait for the clock to hit 11:11 twice a day , daily . Wishing , I don’t have to be here to wait anymore. 

The past few months have been tough , and I have tried my hardest to be tough . To not talk to people about , how fucking hard my life is getting . I know I most probably have clinical depression and that nothing can make me feel better and I think this is great . Because when ,I only had depression because of my “shitty life ” , I  knew I could get better . But now , I can’t and it is like something I’ll have to live with forever , I don’t even feel like depressed anymore . I feel just like a dam trying too hard to keep depression away from my mind . I don’t know how long it would be before , I break down . 

I have tried self talk and positive talks and “get over it” talk and I am seriously better but I feel like I am forcing it onto myself , to be happy , when I really am not . Or maybe I just don’t want to feel better , because sometimes , I crave depression and I start trying to get back to being the sad person I was . Sometimes , I’ll just be sitting there , just fine and then suddenly , I want to feel that hollow feeling , I would go to extremes for that . 

I have more drafts than the blogs I published because I just can’t get over the ” I am not good enough ” phase . So Tonight I am going to wait for the clock to hit 11:11 again and wish for me to love myself . 

Peace .

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15 thoughts on “11:11 ”

  1. I hold you in my heart. I was there. I see hope for you. How we each heal is so personal, but I worked on my energy field. Tai Chi, Reiki…. affirmations… you are a light being. Do what you love as much as possible. Don’t let energy vampires align to you. Many of my poems show my path. Healing is a process, and you will heal. Don’t give up. Your words are worthy and will help others.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I have felt the same things. I have read a lot of articles, survivor stories and have written a few as well but I’ve never found something so truthfully worded that struck a chord with my heart.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. You can get through this to then help others. Your writings will help. People will feel someone understands. Empathy – sometimes we gain its best forms after going through the hard stuff ourselves.
    I could never relate or imagine the pain of a divorced person or a widow(er) before going through the storms of divorce myself. Now I feel so much love for them. I can give them all my support and friendship, practical help.
    Evil can be turned into good in life. It will take lots of patience, a little faith (like a mustard seed), building up right thoughts about yourself and life, maybe some treatment, too.
    My daughter went through years of depression, but she is a 19-year old doing sooooo fine now. Boyfriend, job, studies, dreams, smiles. You can get there, too!!!

    Liked by 1 person

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