Thoughts

11:11 

I wait for the clock to hit 11:11 twice a day , daily . Wishing , I don’t have to be here to wait anymore. 

The past few months have been tough , and I have tried my hardest to be tough . To not talk to people about , how fucking hard my life is getting . I know I most probably have clinical depression and that nothing can make me feel better and I think this is great . Because when ,I only had depression because of my “shitty life ” , I  knew I could get better . But now , I can’t and it is like something I’ll have to live with forever , I don’t even feel like depressed anymore . I feel just like a dam trying too hard to keep depression away from my mind . I don’t know how long it would be before , I break down . 

I have tried self talk and positive talks and “get over it” talk and I am seriously better but I feel like I am forcing it onto myself , to be happy , when I really am not . Or maybe I just don’t want to feel better , because sometimes , I crave depression and I start trying to get back to being the sad person I was . Sometimes , I’ll just be sitting there , just fine and then suddenly , I want to feel that hollow feeling , I would go to extremes for that . 

I have more drafts than the blogs I published because I just can’t get over the ” I am not good enough ” phase . So Tonight I am going to wait for the clock to hit 11:11 again and wish for me to love myself . 

Peace .

Thoughts

Dear Moon 

I looked at the moon ,

I looked at the stars ,

Nothing .

In my brain there are thousands and millions  of wars ,

” What if they think I am ugly ? ” 

“What if nobody likes me ? ” 

“What if all my life I stay lonely ?” 

There was a time , the moon could cure .

But now maybe , it isn’t itself sure .

I get it .

I am hard .

I am complicated .

You give up right ? 

I thought like you helped the sky glow bright and fear away its dark night .

I thought maybe , you could help me not cry .

I look at you ,

Bright but pale .

Just like me .

We make the perfect irony .

Trying to light up the sky ,

When the sun is firing right at our backs .

This is sad .

They say you and I have stars .

Little do they know , they are thousand miled apart .

Just a fake shadow , to let them not know .

I will tell you a secret ,

I am just like you. 

I start up as a full moon ,

I am half until its noon ,

And then I disappear in night’s loom .

I have scars , just like you .

Reminder of all those wars ,

But you’re beautiful .

They say your scars make you prettier .

But mine ? 

They keep telling me ways to let them disappear .

You have thousands of me ,

Loving you ,undoubtedly 

But me ? I am lonely .

I am the one to blame .

I shouldn’t have been ugly .

Right ? I am sorry .

I look at you , hiding behind the clouds .

Like vapour could help you somehow .

Just like me. 

We make the perfect irony. 

Thoughts

Depression is haunting me again …

I have been baffled if I should write or not . I want to , but I feel like I do this to validate myself with the likes and followers I have here …That maybe I am an attention seeker , maybe depression is just an excuse .

But if it was an excuse , why do I physically feel my heart breaking and my lungs fighting to breathe ? Is it normal ? Can you feel your heart breaking , out of the blue ? Do you sometimes forget to breathe ,too ? I just want to know …

I’ll tell you the truth , I wrote in one of my blogs that if you try to keep yourself happy , you become happy eventually , truthfully it works , but sometimes ,I know I will never heal and I don’t want my life to be a game of play-pretend . 

I wanted my blog to be an escape , to be my way to helping others out of their depression … But I am shit … I am an attention seeker , right ? I know , and truthfully , I do need attention and I do need help , because I can’t do it anymore …I can’t help myself out . 

I keep telling my friends that they’ll be fine , when I know I’ll be not . I wish somebody cared enough to ask me if I am okay ? and meant it . But people don’t care about ugly ,fat attention seekers.  

You know what I’ll be fine . Maybe writing is not what I’m good at , but I like writing more than I do living , well I hate living , I would take death in a heartbeat , life is bad , I’ll never recover . I ‘ll be a piece of trash everyone hates and I’ll always seek my happiness through likes and followers .

I know this probably does not make any sense to you … Lol … My exsistence doesn’t either ? What a co – incidence .. or is it ? 

Thoughts

Maze of thoughts 

Even stars line together at night ,

Into shapes , making sense .

So I stay awake all night ,

Hoping the same for my thoughts .

 I close my eyes 

and dive into the sea of words not spoken .

It just gets scarier each day  ,

because my nightmares always turn into reality !

Escaping my thoughts is like being in a pool ,

and not hoping to feel water .

Pain is okay ,

Nothing is not .

And I feel nothing at all !

Just an empty void in my chest …

And sometimes I want to 

Take my heart and throw it away ,

Because it hurts so  much somedays 

I don’t know why I think it would make me feel okay ?!

I want to die ,

But I still fear height and falling ,

So I guess I don’t want to die just yet .

But then breathing exhausts me .

Caring hurts me .

And hatred breaks my heart !

So I just collapse in the dark ,

With tears up my throat 

Too weak to be strong .

Too strong to cry ,

And too afraid of height to fly !

*Sigh* 

Thoughts

Her Eyes 

They tell her, she has beautiful eyes .Big , Dark , Long curled eyelashes and dominant eyebrows. She always thanks them for their “compliment ” , her curse . And at home she goes in front of the mirror and stares right into her own eyes , they seem lifeless to her   . She dosen’t dare to look at anything but her eyes , because her eyes are her only hope to find beauty in . But she can see her face , she can see all her flaws , she dosen’t want to . She just sits there staring .

 Chapped lips , from all the times she got anxious and couldn’t help but bite them . Her sunburnt skin , because putting on a sunscreen is too much work for her , she is not patient anymore . She looks  at her arms , cuts , scars , cuts , bruises , cuts , she is so careless . Her imaginary cat has gone crazy .  She looks at her body , no ! she looks away instantly , stretch marks run along her body like maps , maps ? To everything she ever ate . Her nails are not painted , they are not even the same size , they are all the wrong size , she is the wrong size .

Tears roll down her “beautiful ” eyes , tracing their way to her chaped lips , its like rain in a drought .  But she keeps staring , and it hurts so bad , she wishes she didn’t have eyes to see , see THIS . Her curse .

Thoughts

You are not charity .

Forgive people they said , I did . Move on they said , I did .  Is it why I am so empty ? 
Sometimes people break your heart , not because they are evil but they do not give as much as they take  , sucking on to your inner self they breed over your life like fungus . You’ll think , ” Oh , that’s green , How lucky am I ?”  but sooner or later you realise its fungus, you’ll curse yourself for letting it grow , for not being sensible enough , you’ll curse the fungus for being a traitor . Okay now wait ! The fungus was always the fungus , It had done everything it could to let itself grow and you let it , so  before you forgive the fungus ,forgive yourself .

Let me untangle for you what fungus is as a human . They are the people you have fun with but as soon as you’re in trouble or need someone to listen to you , they back off , They will always do the minimal though , call you once in a week , text you and tell you constantly they care . They care , about all you have to give and all they can take. 

We are all fungus to someone else , to our parents  , to our teachers and this is okay but some of us disguise ourselves as ”  green “, as givers and take away everything . And I think that is what hurts , people taking away , when you thought they were giving in too . But they are always those stubborn people who never pay you back and you ? You love them so fucking much , that you start telling yourself that it was their,what they took . That you deserved this heartache , that you deserved this broken heart and that this will leave you stronger than you were.  But you didn’t deserve heartache and not everything makes you stronger . It just makes you less reckless , more insecure and leaves you with trust issues.  You call that strong ? 

So next when someone refuses to pay you back and tries to run away with a piece of your heart , you , yes you have every fucking right to slap them accross their face and take what is yours . You my dear , don’t deserve pain and they don’t deserve you . And you don’t have to give away yourself to make someone happy , I promise you they’ll find someone else and then they will give and take just as they should . You don’t have to be a charity .

Thoughts

She 

She dosen’t cry anymore . She laughs a lot . She talks a lot . She makes fun of you a lot . She annoys  you a lot . Just in hope that maybe something , just something can make her feel alive .Nothing does .

 Have you ever had the sensation of drowning ? I did , twice . Exactly , what she feels like . Except it is not water that she drowns in but life that engulfs her . I know her for a long time , and I remember how when she was 5 she thought she could be anything she wanted to be , a pilot , a doctor and she believed she could do anything , but lately it is going down . And now she thinks , she put her younger self down . The 5 year old her was brave and now she is scared . Scared of ? She dosen’t know . People ask her once in a while , if she is okay ? And sometimes she wants to tell them she is not , because SHE IS NOT , but she tells them she is fine because she has tried the other way too , but people really don’t care . They’ll tell you they are there for you , but sadness scares the shit out of people 

So she thought maybe she should die , but she doesn’t want to put effort , anyhow . So , she leaves it on life , gives it up on the flow hoping not doing anything , is the last thing she has to do .

Thoughts

Try .

You know what I find to be a total bullshit ? 

That  depressed people cannot help themselves out of the dump on their own . That you cannot have control over what you feel like .Don’t already judge me ! 

I have been there , feeling worse than I ever thought I will . I knew , I would just give up , die and I didn’t really want to get better. So one fine day things just started going out of my hand , that day I stayed up planning how I am going to end my life , I had my suicide letter planned , there was no way in hell that I was going to live . 

That day , on my way to my classes I saw something , a 6 year old or so boy carrying a disabled and much heavier boy upon his back  , clothes torn and they were both laughing . And I had guilt flush my stupidity . If a 6 year old can get his shit together , I can atleast try ?  So , I just told myself ” You are not sad , you are not depressed , you are you , and you have much more left in yourself than you think you do . Tomorrow you’ll wake up and you’ll be happy ” .

 So did I wake up happy the next day ?  No . But I tried  . When someone pissed me off , I stopped hating on them , I just wishpered to myself  ” They are just different than you are ” . When things started to not be the way I wanted them to be , I just reminded myself , nothing goes in vain and that I ‘ll be able to connect the dots in future and I’ll know why what is happening , happened . Self talks are the best therapy . I read a lot of quotes that said ” Do not tell a depressed person to get over it ” and “Don’t be sad ” . Okay I get it , If someone tells me ” GET OVER IT ” , It’ll piss me off . But you owe yourself that . For one last time , put yourself ahead of you . Yes . You are your body and yourself is everything inside that skin , your heart , your lungs , your gut , They did everything they could for you, ever since you were born  . Your lungs still work somehow even after all the times you lost your breath crying over that boy or girl or a failed test . Your heart still pumps blood , not for you to self harm . No don’t do it for your parents  this time , don’t do it in hopes of better future , do it for yourself .

You know your struggles , you know yourself and you need to reminded that your brain is your slave and not the other way around.  Just before sleeping today , tell yourself , you’ll wake up happy and do it for as many days you can , and one day you’ll forget to tell yourself because, you ‘ll know that you are happy. 

Xoxo 

Thoughts

All I have become …

I am staring at the walls again , thinking if my life has a purpose ? If I will ever find someone who would love me.  But I guess , I am too selfish to deserve love . I never deserved , I never will. 

My mom says , It is Karma . But Mom , How would you explain it to the 4 year old me ? I still remember , how hopeless I was that day.  And I guess I will never get over it . 

Mom also says  , being an atheist is the one to blame . But Mom, I was 10 when I cried the most I ever did , I promised God I will be a good girl .But guess what ? He dosen’t exsist because that day I prayed for someone other than me . I wasn’t even selfish , I swear .

Dad , remember I never asked for anything more than a chocolate or a toy ?   I was okay being the”SECOND “one to be asked , because I thought , I deserved less . But did I really ? Because now I am the only one and guess what ? I am treated better .

My teacher told me I am a pessimist . But Ma’am why did you not care enough that a 10  year old never saw the bright side ? And now that is what I have become 

I had a friend , ever since we stopped talking , I never found someone to call a friend . It has been six years now , I was the one to slap ? But why did you not listen to me that day ? Because I cared , and I never did , ever again .

And I had another friend , she loved me but I didn’t care enough and now I ruined it  too . And I am afraid , I don’t know how to love back .

I was 14 , when I was bullied for the way I looked , but I was the “popular kid ”  , so no one really cared enough that I get hurt . Guess what ? I did get hurt . You did crush my self esteem . I fight for it everday ! 

My friend asked me , if I ever fell in love ? Dear , I am too afraid , to break someone’s heart . I am not “something” , to be loved , I scare people away . And I am too selfish to fall in one sided love .

I stood there in front of 600 people , repeated a script I had been practsing for weeks , they thought I was confident . But I couldn’t feel my legs for days after that .

My grades keep declining , I blamed it on depression for a while but I guess you have to work to get a pay ? 

A teacher asked us if somebody had depression  , I was the first one to raise my hand , I am not ashamed of it now . So , my classmate asked me ” You don’t seem to be ?” It was the best complinent ever  , was all that I managed to say .

I sat in the class for hours , ignoring my so called friends , they thought I was arrogant and never cared enough if I was alright , because the very next moment I was laughing . 

And this is what I have become now . Hopeless , unlovable , atheist , scared and moreover numb .