Thoughts

Bad Life

I think I use the word “anxiety” or “crying” a little too often, so often that people think I don’t mean them. I don’t even know if people think about me. And I am mentally and physically breaking down, I WANT TO SHOUT and SCREAM and cry and just ask someone for hugs, because know what? I can’t, I can’t do it on my own anymore. I want to die but I don’t want to put in efforts and how do I ever explain myself to someone other? I have tried and it just gets worse, I don’t even know how I feel, because my health has been worse than ever and my mind is a shitty place and friends don’t understand and family? family is already bothered. 

The only thing I have ever been good at is bothering people, and I can think about all of that I have made everyone go through and FUCK! Only if I did not exist so many lives would have been so much better. And someone told me that I am ungrateful for not acknowledging how better I am than before and tbh, I am worse than I ever was, I sure did move on from some shit and I sure as hell am grateful but I always find myself new problems, ONE AFTER THE ANOTHER and really can’t deal with these on my own, can’t tell people about them either. What the hell do I do? What do I do, if not die? 

And when I think about dying, I can’t stand all the hurt it will cause, I don’t think anybody except my parents would notice I am gone after a month or two, but I have been such a pain in the ass to them, they were never the best parents and they could have done some things so much differently and they do hurt me a lot and they probably think I don’t give a shit about them, but I wish I could tell them, I might not love them for what they did to me but I care and I always will. How can I not? 

And people ask me what will make me feel better? Well, not life for sure, Nothing can take back what I have already been through, and maybe people have it worse but How do I stop having these flashblacks and breaking down? You know what I actually feel like, all the time? I feel like when you have stage fear and are made to stand on the stage in front of so many people. Know that rush of anxiety? I feel that all the damn time! When did it get so bad? Why can’t a truck just hit me? How do I escape life?

Can I be honest for once and tell everyone that MY LIFE HAS BEEN SO BAD, Idek what else could go wrong, I mean I know, but you get me? I just want to restart, and really thought college will be that new start but NO! WHEN DOES ANYTHING EVER GO LIKE YOU  PLANNED?  It is the same god damn stupid ass life and who makes it this way? Me! So whom do I kill? Me? 

I wish I can blame it on other people, I do blame it on my Mom, but she only tried her best and Dad too, I am grateful for all the good times and I am not really mad about the bad times, sometimes I think if I was mad enough, I would not have to feel this disgust, because I have been wronged and I should be mad about it, I KNOW, but I so need to stop putting myself their shoes and just feel what I need to feel, I need to stop pushing myself to the extremes of becoming a nice person because I am not a nice person and I am not good at it either , so I just need to be the unkind me, maybe.

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Thoughts

13 reasons Why ? 

I read the book last year and I really don’t have a clear picture of what I read but I do remember how I felt ? 

EXPOSED .

There are some book like John Green says , that you can’t keep to yourself and you want every human being to read it and there are some other books that you just want to keep to yourself because they are so awfully beautiful . “13 reasons why?” was both to me . After I read the book , I felt devasted , on the top of the devastated I already was . And I wanted everyone to read it , to know how I felt . How difficult it is sometimes and How small things can truly fuck with someone’s life . 

You never know what damage you are doing to someone . And you don’t get to choose  when someone tells you , you hurt them . 

When I read the book and when I saw the series a year after , I felt the same  , like someone just told everyone how fucked up I am .Like it was not Hannah , but me . Even though our stories are different , the way we feel is the same .

People treat you like shit , because they can’t handle their fucking shit .

You know what people like Hannah and I need ? To be listened to , to be fought for , to be told that maybe we are fucked up but you’ll stay by our side FOREVER  and for you to say all this and mean it .

But people say a lot and do very less . Not having hope sucks , but hopes being crushed on kills . Not being told I love you sucks , but being told I love you and being forgotten about kills .

I hate when someone tells me they love me , wait you don’t love ” me ” , you love parts of me . You like the me , who never leaves you when you’re sad . The one that is so stupid . The one who laughs through it all . But where are you when I am sad ? When I don’t want to live anymore ? Where are you when I am fighting all alone wishing I was not alone ? YOU DON’T GET TO SAY I LOVE YOU WHEN YOU DON’T MEAN IT ! I am so sick of being told things.  I literally have lost faith that something good will ever come my way . I just keep giving life chances , that maybe someday , it’ll suck a little less . 

I wish I was Hannah , I wish I could just give up and not hope anymore .But I have hopes  , no matter what  .

Maybe I am bad person to deserve this , but I never told anyone I loved them and then left them to cry because I wasn’t brave enough to love all parts of them .

I will listen to anybody on anyday , but I don’t get listened to enough .

Peace ✌