Thoughts

Vent 1

Today, I cried and people say crying feels good. Does it really? I mean, I feel like something is off me, but I feel weak. I have been trying so hard to not cry yet I go around telling people I am caught up in a mess, never to tell them what mess. And I know how much it’d suck if  I was in their shoes. 

But, the thing is I don’t think nobody cares, I mean they do, but not enough. I will never be someone’s best friend or the person they like the best in this world. Never. And fair enough, I truly don’t deserve (not saying it for the sake of saying).

And everything, just about everything about my life comes to one conclusion… Why do I not want to die so bad that I really can do something about it? Do I not want it  that bad? What am I scared of? I was not afraid of hurting my parents a few months back, I am now, why did I not do it then?

And the thing about telling people it is tough, I need to stop it don’t I. The title of this blog is Vent 1, but what have I ever done here than to vent?! 

See the thing is, I don’t want to tell people anything that goes inside my head, but I do have my triggers, I am only human. Idk what it makes them think of me. I had think I am an attention whore, am I? Well most probably yes. But what do I do so I can hold everything to myself? Tell me, what the fuck do I do?

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Thoughts

11:11 

I wait for the clock to hit 11:11 twice a day , daily . Wishing , I don’t have to be here to wait anymore. 

The past few months have been tough , and I have tried my hardest to be tough . To not talk to people about , how fucking hard my life is getting . I know I most probably have clinical depression and that nothing can make me feel better and I think this is great . Because when ,I only had depression because of my “shitty life ” , I  knew I could get better . But now , I can’t and it is like something I’ll have to live with forever , I don’t even feel like depressed anymore . I feel just like a dam trying too hard to keep depression away from my mind . I don’t know how long it would be before , I break down . 

I have tried self talk and positive talks and “get over it” talk and I am seriously better but I feel like I am forcing it onto myself , to be happy , when I really am not . Or maybe I just don’t want to feel better , because sometimes , I crave depression and I start trying to get back to being the sad person I was . Sometimes , I’ll just be sitting there , just fine and then suddenly , I want to feel that hollow feeling , I would go to extremes for that . 

I have more drafts than the blogs I published because I just can’t get over the ” I am not good enough ” phase . So Tonight I am going to wait for the clock to hit 11:11 again and wish for me to love myself . 

Peace .