Thoughts

Dear Moon 

I looked at the moon ,

I looked at the stars ,

Nothing .

In my brain there are thousands and millions  of wars ,

” What if they think I am ugly ? ” 

“What if nobody likes me ? ” 

“What if all my life I stay lonely ?” 

There was a time , the moon could cure .

But now maybe , it isn’t itself sure .

I get it .

I am hard .

I am complicated .

You give up right ? 

I thought like you helped the sky glow bright and fear away its dark night .

I thought maybe , you could help me not cry .

I look at you ,

Bright but pale .

Just like me .

We make the perfect irony .

Trying to light up the sky ,

When the sun is firing right at our backs .

This is sad .

They say you and I have stars .

Little do they know , they are thousand miled apart .

Just a fake shadow , to let them not know .

I will tell you a secret ,

I am just like you. 

I start up as a full moon ,

I am half until its noon ,

And then I disappear in night’s loom .

I have scars , just like you .

Reminder of all those wars ,

But you’re beautiful .

They say your scars make you prettier .

But mine ? 

They keep telling me ways to let them disappear .

You have thousands of me ,

Loving you ,undoubtedly 

But me ? I am lonely .

I am the one to blame .

I shouldn’t have been ugly .

Right ? I am sorry .

I look at you , hiding behind the clouds .

Like vapour could help you somehow .

Just like me. 

We make the perfect irony. 

Thoughts

Depression is haunting me again …

I have been baffled if I should write or not . I want to , but I feel like I do this to validate myself with the likes and followers I have here …That maybe I am an attention seeker , maybe depression is just an excuse .

But if it was an excuse , why do I physically feel my heart breaking and my lungs fighting to breathe ? Is it normal ? Can you feel your heart breaking , out of the blue ? Do you sometimes forget to breathe ,too ? I just want to know …

I’ll tell you the truth , I wrote in one of my blogs that if you try to keep yourself happy , you become happy eventually , truthfully it works , but sometimes ,I know I will never heal and I don’t want my life to be a game of play-pretend . 

I wanted my blog to be an escape , to be my way to helping others out of their depression … But I am shit … I am an attention seeker , right ? I know , and truthfully , I do need attention and I do need help , because I can’t do it anymore …I can’t help myself out . 

I keep telling my friends that they’ll be fine , when I know I’ll be not . I wish somebody cared enough to ask me if I am okay ? and meant it . But people don’t care about ugly ,fat attention seekers.  

You know what I’ll be fine . Maybe writing is not what I’m good at , but I like writing more than I do living , well I hate living , I would take death in a heartbeat , life is bad , I’ll never recover . I ‘ll be a piece of trash everyone hates and I’ll always seek my happiness through likes and followers .

I know this probably does not make any sense to you … Lol … My exsistence doesn’t either ? What a co – incidence .. or is it ? 

Thoughts

Her Eyes 

They tell her, she has beautiful eyes .Big , Dark , Long curled eyelashes and dominant eyebrows. She always thanks them for their “compliment ” , her curse . And at home she goes in front of the mirror and stares right into her own eyes , they seem lifeless to her   . She dosen’t dare to look at anything but her eyes , because her eyes are her only hope to find beauty in . But she can see her face , she can see all her flaws , she dosen’t want to . She just sits there staring .

 Chapped lips , from all the times she got anxious and couldn’t help but bite them . Her sunburnt skin , because putting on a sunscreen is too much work for her , she is not patient anymore . She looks  at her arms , cuts , scars , cuts , bruises , cuts , she is so careless . Her imaginary cat has gone crazy .  She looks at her body , no ! she looks away instantly , stretch marks run along her body like maps , maps ? To everything she ever ate . Her nails are not painted , they are not even the same size , they are all the wrong size , she is the wrong size .

Tears roll down her “beautiful ” eyes , tracing their way to her chaped lips , its like rain in a drought .  But she keeps staring , and it hurts so bad , she wishes she didn’t have eyes to see , see THIS . Her curse .

Thoughts

You are not charity .

Forgive people they said , I did . Move on they said , I did .  Is it why I am so empty ? 
Sometimes people break your heart , not because they are evil but they do not give as much as they take  , sucking on to your inner self they breed over your life like fungus . You’ll think , ” Oh , that’s green , How lucky am I ?”  but sooner or later you realise its fungus, you’ll curse yourself for letting it grow , for not being sensible enough , you’ll curse the fungus for being a traitor . Okay now wait ! The fungus was always the fungus , It had done everything it could to let itself grow and you let it , so  before you forgive the fungus ,forgive yourself .

Let me untangle for you what fungus is as a human . They are the people you have fun with but as soon as you’re in trouble or need someone to listen to you , they back off , They will always do the minimal though , call you once in a week , text you and tell you constantly they care . They care , about all you have to give and all they can take. 

We are all fungus to someone else , to our parents  , to our teachers and this is okay but some of us disguise ourselves as ”  green “, as givers and take away everything . And I think that is what hurts , people taking away , when you thought they were giving in too . But they are always those stubborn people who never pay you back and you ? You love them so fucking much , that you start telling yourself that it was their,what they took . That you deserved this heartache , that you deserved this broken heart and that this will leave you stronger than you were.  But you didn’t deserve heartache and not everything makes you stronger . It just makes you less reckless , more insecure and leaves you with trust issues.  You call that strong ? 

So next when someone refuses to pay you back and tries to run away with a piece of your heart , you , yes you have every fucking right to slap them accross their face and take what is yours . You my dear , don’t deserve pain and they don’t deserve you . And you don’t have to give away yourself to make someone happy , I promise you they’ll find someone else and then they will give and take just as they should . You don’t have to be a charity .

Thoughts

She 

She dosen’t cry anymore . She laughs a lot . She talks a lot . She makes fun of you a lot . She annoys  you a lot . Just in hope that maybe something , just something can make her feel alive .Nothing does .

 Have you ever had the sensation of drowning ? I did , twice . Exactly , what she feels like . Except it is not water that she drowns in but life that engulfs her . I know her for a long time , and I remember how when she was 5 she thought she could be anything she wanted to be , a pilot , a doctor and she believed she could do anything , but lately it is going down . And now she thinks , she put her younger self down . The 5 year old her was brave and now she is scared . Scared of ? She dosen’t know . People ask her once in a while , if she is okay ? And sometimes she wants to tell them she is not , because SHE IS NOT , but she tells them she is fine because she has tried the other way too , but people really don’t care . They’ll tell you they are there for you , but sadness scares the shit out of people 

So she thought maybe she should die , but she doesn’t want to put effort , anyhow . So , she leaves it on life , gives it up on the flow hoping not doing anything , is the last thing she has to do .

Poetry

Will you ?

I can be your friend but will you be my friend ? 

I am hard sometimes , do you like working hard ? 

I am not easy to keep , do you know how to hold on tight ? 

I will try to walk away , do you like to run ? 

I will fall , are you a good catch ? 

I will not say I love you , do you know how to feel ? 

I will think I am not good enough for you , do you give the best hugs ? 

I have anxiety , will you love me as much as you do  now ?

I self harmed for a while , are you brave enough to see the scars ? 

My heart has been locked for a while now , are you okay standing out, waiting until I find the key ? 

I will not let you touch my heart , but will you protect it anyway ? 

I get nightmares , will you be my day dream ? 

And even if you are not all of this , will you atleast try ? 

Thoughts

13 reasons Why ? 

I read the book last year and I really don’t have a clear picture of what I read but I do remember how I felt ? 

EXPOSED .

There are some book like John Green says , that you can’t keep to yourself and you want every human being to read it and there are some other books that you just want to keep to yourself because they are so awfully beautiful . “13 reasons why?” was both to me . After I read the book , I felt devasted , on the top of the devastated I already was . And I wanted everyone to read it , to know how I felt . How difficult it is sometimes and How small things can truly fuck with someone’s life . 

You never know what damage you are doing to someone . And you don’t get to choose  when someone tells you , you hurt them . 

When I read the book and when I saw the series a year after , I felt the same  , like someone just told everyone how fucked up I am .Like it was not Hannah , but me . Even though our stories are different , the way we feel is the same .

People treat you like shit , because they can’t handle their fucking shit .

You know what people like Hannah and I need ? To be listened to , to be fought for , to be told that maybe we are fucked up but you’ll stay by our side FOREVER  and for you to say all this and mean it .

But people say a lot and do very less . Not having hope sucks , but hopes being crushed on kills . Not being told I love you sucks , but being told I love you and being forgotten about kills .

I hate when someone tells me they love me , wait you don’t love ” me ” , you love parts of me . You like the me , who never leaves you when you’re sad . The one that is so stupid . The one who laughs through it all . But where are you when I am sad ? When I don’t want to live anymore ? Where are you when I am fighting all alone wishing I was not alone ? YOU DON’T GET TO SAY I LOVE YOU WHEN YOU DON’T MEAN IT ! I am so sick of being told things.  I literally have lost faith that something good will ever come my way . I just keep giving life chances , that maybe someday , it’ll suck a little less . 

I wish I was Hannah , I wish I could just give up and not hope anymore .But I have hopes  , no matter what  .

Maybe I am bad person to deserve this , but I never told anyone I loved them and then left them to cry because I wasn’t brave enough to love all parts of them .

I will listen to anybody on anyday , but I don’t get listened to enough .

Peace ✌

Uncategorized

Judging People 

Do you judge people ? 

If you say no . Just run into the arms of God and thank him/her (I am not a sexist -_- ) , that you are not Pinocchio , because god damn if you were , we would have a new Himalayan peak and how would you wear your  favourite “I am a liar ” quoted T-shirt ?

Okay my sense of humour sucks ! Anyway .

Is is a bad thing to judge people ? I think not . 

What is bad though , is letting it out of your head . You think , I am fat ? I am and I know it. But do you need to remind me of that by fat shaming me ? Yeah ? Check your To-Do list again . Did you find it there ? BRO ? 

And if you want to really get out of your busy schedule of just adding on Carbon dioxide to this beautiful planet and come to me and fat shame me , Do you think I am going to chew in your hate and spit some rainbows on you ? Hell no !

I am not a scientist and neither do I know much about life because I have been here for only 18 years ,1 month and 6 days but it is an easy observation and a concept you learn in high school  :- 

” Energy cannot be created or destroyed , it can only be converted from one form to another ”
So when  you throw shit (negative energy )at me (or any normal human being) , I am going to throw it back at you or somebody else . Because you know what? Converting negative energy into positive vibes takes time and effort and love , all of which I consumed in healing myself from the bruise that you gave me .

This is how hate spreads around the globe .

“Oh I hate dark people ! ” ( Uses fake tan ) 

“Oh ! White people are such snobs .” ( Uses fairness creams ) 

And we are all a series of resistors in this process of letting hate flow , it is not possible to fuse yourself but just try to increase your resistivity , hate slows down. 

P.S. : I don’t believe in right or wrong anymore , but I do in love and hate and we need both , but the propotion is going right out of our hands. 

“The world maybe filled with hate , but keep erasing it now , somehow ” -Ed sheeean (Eraser)

Self Help, Thoughts

Will I be missed ?

Walking away from people you love is not the best thing in the world  . But just sometimes you have to put yourself ahead of everything else and the move the hell on .

When you love someone , you care and you only have a certain amount of care , so when you care about someone else  , you start to care a little less about yourself and you start dripping off your “care ” package . But people leave , dead or alive , they leave and then you are left there with an empty bottle of  ” care ”  ,filling it with pathetic .  And this is my worst nightmare ever , being walked on .

I will rather walk away myself than feeling miserable because then I ‘ll know what I did it for,  but when people leave , there never is an explanation to that . I never tell anyone ” Hey you , I love you and I am afraid , I might loose you because someday you ‘ll realise how ugly and pathetic I am “. No , I don’t say that and I don’t think anyone does . And even if someone ever told me this I will never believe it because , I am a pathetic loser and I will always wonder what I did wrong . And I don’t want to  . 

Also when I leave , I know it will be less of an  issue to them than it will be to me when they leave . I need to watch the casualities , Don’t I ? I wonder if it ever is an issue because I somehow know how to trick people into thinking that they were the ones to walk on me . People are so damn gullible . And shit ! I wish I didn’t always have to be the bad person , when I am not . I wish someone saw deep into me .

And most of the times when I try to walk away , it is like I was holding onto a helium balloon and you know it sucks to find out that people don’t give a shit about you . It sucks when you are down for them , for like years and they are just about cheese , when you believe in walking volcanoes with . When you  pull off for a second and they just run away from you . And it sucks that it is not just one person , but everyone I know . And now I think maybe I will leave them the hell alone but I know  even on their slightest call , I will be head over heels , even when I hate to be . I am still trying to loosen the grip , my grip , because I love my helium balloons .

Our lives are like houses , it can contain certain amount of people .You can’t be everybody’s and you can’t have everybody . So, I don’t want to stay in these houses and block the way of people who can make them into home , also I don’t want to keep people who don’t feel like home with me .With people now , I feel like they are stuck with me and want help to get out of my life , I ‘ll open the door .

It is one of the toughest time for me , I wish someone could tell me , if just evacuating my house all at once is a good idea ?