Thoughts

11:11 

I wait for the clock to hit 11:11 twice a day , daily . Wishing , I don’t have to be here to wait anymore. 

The past few months have been tough , and I have tried my hardest to be tough . To not talk to people about , how fucking hard my life is getting . I know I most probably have clinical depression and that nothing can make me feel better and I think this is great . Because when ,I only had depression because of my “shitty life ” , I  knew I could get better . But now , I can’t and it is like something I’ll have to live with forever , I don’t even feel like depressed anymore . I feel just like a dam trying too hard to keep depression away from my mind . I don’t know how long it would be before , I break down . 

I have tried self talk and positive talks and “get over it” talk and I am seriously better but I feel like I am forcing it onto myself , to be happy , when I really am not . Or maybe I just don’t want to feel better , because sometimes , I crave depression and I start trying to get back to being the sad person I was . Sometimes , I’ll just be sitting there , just fine and then suddenly , I want to feel that hollow feeling , I would go to extremes for that . 

I have more drafts than the blogs I published because I just can’t get over the ” I am not good enough ” phase . So Tonight I am going to wait for the clock to hit 11:11 again and wish for me to love myself . 

Peace .

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Thoughts

Dear Moon 

I looked at the moon ,

I looked at the stars ,

Nothing .

In my brain there are thousands and millions  of wars ,

” What if they think I am ugly ? ” 

“What if nobody likes me ? ” 

“What if all my life I stay lonely ?” 

There was a time , the moon could cure .

But now maybe , it isn’t itself sure .

I get it .

I am hard .

I am complicated .

You give up right ? 

I thought like you helped the sky glow bright and fear away its dark night .

I thought maybe , you could help me not cry .

I look at you ,

Bright but pale .

Just like me .

We make the perfect irony .

Trying to light up the sky ,

When the sun is firing right at our backs .

This is sad .

They say you and I have stars .

Little do they know , they are thousand miled apart .

Just a fake shadow , to let them not know .

I will tell you a secret ,

I am just like you. 

I start up as a full moon ,

I am half until its noon ,

And then I disappear in night’s loom .

I have scars , just like you .

Reminder of all those wars ,

But you’re beautiful .

They say your scars make you prettier .

But mine ? 

They keep telling me ways to let them disappear .

You have thousands of me ,

Loving you ,undoubtedly 

But me ? I am lonely .

I am the one to blame .

I shouldn’t have been ugly .

Right ? I am sorry .

I look at you , hiding behind the clouds .

Like vapour could help you somehow .

Just like me. 

We make the perfect irony. 

Thoughts

Maze of thoughts 

Even stars line together at night ,

Into shapes , making sense .

So I stay awake all night ,

Hoping the same for my thoughts .

 I close my eyes 

and dive into the sea of words not spoken .

It just gets scarier each day  ,

because my nightmares always turn into reality !

Escaping my thoughts is like being in a pool ,

and not hoping to feel water .

Pain is okay ,

Nothing is not .

And I feel nothing at all !

Just an empty void in my chest …

And sometimes I want to 

Take my heart and throw it away ,

Because it hurts so  much somedays 

I don’t know why I think it would make me feel okay ?!

I want to die ,

But I still fear height and falling ,

So I guess I don’t want to die just yet .

But then breathing exhausts me .

Caring hurts me .

And hatred breaks my heart !

So I just collapse in the dark ,

With tears up my throat 

Too weak to be strong .

Too strong to cry ,

And too afraid of height to fly !

*Sigh*