Thoughts

Depression is haunting me again …

I have been baffled if I should write or not . I want to , but I feel like I do this to validate myself with the likes and followers I have here …That maybe I am an attention seeker , maybe depression is just an excuse .

But if it was an excuse , why do I physically feel my heart breaking and my lungs fighting to breathe ? Is it normal ? Can you feel your heart breaking , out of the blue ? Do you sometimes forget to breathe ,too ? I just want to know …

I’ll tell you the truth , I wrote in one of my blogs that if you try to keep yourself happy , you become happy eventually , truthfully it works , but sometimes ,I know I will never heal and I don’t want my life to be a game of play-pretend . 

I wanted my blog to be an escape , to be my way to helping others out of their depression … But I am shit … I am an attention seeker , right ? I know , and truthfully , I do need attention and I do need help , because I can’t do it anymore …I can’t help myself out . 

I keep telling my friends that they’ll be fine , when I know I’ll be not . I wish somebody cared enough to ask me if I am okay ? and meant it . But people don’t care about ugly ,fat attention seekers.  

You know what I’ll be fine . Maybe writing is not what I’m good at , but I like writing more than I do living , well I hate living , I would take death in a heartbeat , life is bad , I’ll never recover . I ‘ll be a piece of trash everyone hates and I’ll always seek my happiness through likes and followers .

I know this probably does not make any sense to you … Lol … My exsistence doesn’t either ? What a co – incidence .. or is it ? 

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Thoughts

You are not charity .

Forgive people they said , I did . Move on they said , I did .  Is it why I am so empty ? 
Sometimes people break your heart , not because they are evil but they do not give as much as they take  , sucking on to your inner self they breed over your life like fungus . You’ll think , ” Oh , that’s green , How lucky am I ?”  but sooner or later you realise its fungus, you’ll curse yourself for letting it grow , for not being sensible enough , you’ll curse the fungus for being a traitor . Okay now wait ! The fungus was always the fungus , It had done everything it could to let itself grow and you let it , so  before you forgive the fungus ,forgive yourself .

Let me untangle for you what fungus is as a human . They are the people you have fun with but as soon as you’re in trouble or need someone to listen to you , they back off , They will always do the minimal though , call you once in a week , text you and tell you constantly they care . They care , about all you have to give and all they can take. 

We are all fungus to someone else , to our parents  , to our teachers and this is okay but some of us disguise ourselves as ”  green “, as givers and take away everything . And I think that is what hurts , people taking away , when you thought they were giving in too . But they are always those stubborn people who never pay you back and you ? You love them so fucking much , that you start telling yourself that it was their,what they took . That you deserved this heartache , that you deserved this broken heart and that this will leave you stronger than you were.  But you didn’t deserve heartache and not everything makes you stronger . It just makes you less reckless , more insecure and leaves you with trust issues.  You call that strong ? 

So next when someone refuses to pay you back and tries to run away with a piece of your heart , you , yes you have every fucking right to slap them accross their face and take what is yours . You my dear , don’t deserve pain and they don’t deserve you . And you don’t have to give away yourself to make someone happy , I promise you they’ll find someone else and then they will give and take just as they should . You don’t have to be a charity .

Thoughts

She 

She dosen’t cry anymore . She laughs a lot . She talks a lot . She makes fun of you a lot . She annoys  you a lot . Just in hope that maybe something , just something can make her feel alive .Nothing does .

 Have you ever had the sensation of drowning ? I did , twice . Exactly , what she feels like . Except it is not water that she drowns in but life that engulfs her . I know her for a long time , and I remember how when she was 5 she thought she could be anything she wanted to be , a pilot , a doctor and she believed she could do anything , but lately it is going down . And now she thinks , she put her younger self down . The 5 year old her was brave and now she is scared . Scared of ? She dosen’t know . People ask her once in a while , if she is okay ? And sometimes she wants to tell them she is not , because SHE IS NOT , but she tells them she is fine because she has tried the other way too , but people really don’t care . They’ll tell you they are there for you , but sadness scares the shit out of people 

So she thought maybe she should die , but she doesn’t want to put effort , anyhow . So , she leaves it on life , gives it up on the flow hoping not doing anything , is the last thing she has to do .

Thoughts

Try .

You know what I find to be a total bullshit ? 

That  depressed people cannot help themselves out of the dump on their own . That you cannot have control over what you feel like .Don’t already judge me ! 

I have been there , feeling worse than I ever thought I will . I knew , I would just give up , die and I didn’t really want to get better. So one fine day things just started going out of my hand , that day I stayed up planning how I am going to end my life , I had my suicide letter planned , there was no way in hell that I was going to live . 

That day , on my way to my classes I saw something , a 6 year old or so boy carrying a disabled and much heavier boy upon his back  , clothes torn and they were both laughing . And I had guilt flush my stupidity . If a 6 year old can get his shit together , I can atleast try ?  So , I just told myself ” You are not sad , you are not depressed , you are you , and you have much more left in yourself than you think you do . Tomorrow you’ll wake up and you’ll be happy ” .

 So did I wake up happy the next day ?  No . But I tried  . When someone pissed me off , I stopped hating on them , I just wishpered to myself  ” They are just different than you are ” . When things started to not be the way I wanted them to be , I just reminded myself , nothing goes in vain and that I ‘ll be able to connect the dots in future and I’ll know why what is happening , happened . Self talks are the best therapy . I read a lot of quotes that said ” Do not tell a depressed person to get over it ” and “Don’t be sad ” . Okay I get it , If someone tells me ” GET OVER IT ” , It’ll piss me off . But you owe yourself that . For one last time , put yourself ahead of you . Yes . You are your body and yourself is everything inside that skin , your heart , your lungs , your gut , They did everything they could for you, ever since you were born  . Your lungs still work somehow even after all the times you lost your breath crying over that boy or girl or a failed test . Your heart still pumps blood , not for you to self harm . No don’t do it for your parents  this time , don’t do it in hopes of better future , do it for yourself .

You know your struggles , you know yourself and you need to reminded that your brain is your slave and not the other way around.  Just before sleeping today , tell yourself , you’ll wake up happy and do it for as many days you can , and one day you’ll forget to tell yourself because, you ‘ll know that you are happy. 

Xoxo 

Thoughts

All I have become …

I am staring at the walls again , thinking if my life has a purpose ? If I will ever find someone who would love me.  But I guess , I am too selfish to deserve love . I never deserved , I never will. 

My mom says , It is Karma . But Mom , How would you explain it to the 4 year old me ? I still remember , how hopeless I was that day.  And I guess I will never get over it . 

Mom also says  , being an atheist is the one to blame . But Mom, I was 10 when I cried the most I ever did , I promised God I will be a good girl .But guess what ? He dosen’t exsist because that day I prayed for someone other than me . I wasn’t even selfish , I swear .

Dad , remember I never asked for anything more than a chocolate or a toy ?   I was okay being the”SECOND “one to be asked , because I thought , I deserved less . But did I really ? Because now I am the only one and guess what ? I am treated better .

My teacher told me I am a pessimist . But Ma’am why did you not care enough that a 10  year old never saw the bright side ? And now that is what I have become 

I had a friend , ever since we stopped talking , I never found someone to call a friend . It has been six years now , I was the one to slap ? But why did you not listen to me that day ? Because I cared , and I never did , ever again .

And I had another friend , she loved me but I didn’t care enough and now I ruined it  too . And I am afraid , I don’t know how to love back .

I was 14 , when I was bullied for the way I looked , but I was the “popular kid ”  , so no one really cared enough that I get hurt . Guess what ? I did get hurt . You did crush my self esteem . I fight for it everday ! 

My friend asked me , if I ever fell in love ? Dear , I am too afraid , to break someone’s heart . I am not “something” , to be loved , I scare people away . And I am too selfish to fall in one sided love .

I stood there in front of 600 people , repeated a script I had been practsing for weeks , they thought I was confident . But I couldn’t feel my legs for days after that .

My grades keep declining , I blamed it on depression for a while but I guess you have to work to get a pay ? 

A teacher asked us if somebody had depression  , I was the first one to raise my hand , I am not ashamed of it now . So , my classmate asked me ” You don’t seem to be ?” It was the best complinent ever  , was all that I managed to say .

I sat in the class for hours , ignoring my so called friends , they thought I was arrogant and never cared enough if I was alright , because the very next moment I was laughing . 

And this is what I have become now . Hopeless , unlovable , atheist , scared and moreover numb .

 

Poetry

Will you ?

I can be your friend but will you be my friend ? 

I am hard sometimes , do you like working hard ? 

I am not easy to keep , do you know how to hold on tight ? 

I will try to walk away , do you like to run ? 

I will fall , are you a good catch ? 

I will not say I love you , do you know how to feel ? 

I will think I am not good enough for you , do you give the best hugs ? 

I have anxiety , will you love me as much as you do  now ?

I self harmed for a while , are you brave enough to see the scars ? 

My heart has been locked for a while now , are you okay standing out, waiting until I find the key ? 

I will not let you touch my heart , but will you protect it anyway ? 

I get nightmares , will you be my day dream ? 

And even if you are not all of this , will you atleast try ? 

Thoughts

13 reasons Why ? 

I read the book last year and I really don’t have a clear picture of what I read but I do remember how I felt ? 

EXPOSED .

There are some book like John Green says , that you can’t keep to yourself and you want every human being to read it and there are some other books that you just want to keep to yourself because they are so awfully beautiful . “13 reasons why?” was both to me . After I read the book , I felt devasted , on the top of the devastated I already was . And I wanted everyone to read it , to know how I felt . How difficult it is sometimes and How small things can truly fuck with someone’s life . 

You never know what damage you are doing to someone . And you don’t get to choose  when someone tells you , you hurt them . 

When I read the book and when I saw the series a year after , I felt the same  , like someone just told everyone how fucked up I am .Like it was not Hannah , but me . Even though our stories are different , the way we feel is the same .

People treat you like shit , because they can’t handle their fucking shit .

You know what people like Hannah and I need ? To be listened to , to be fought for , to be told that maybe we are fucked up but you’ll stay by our side FOREVER  and for you to say all this and mean it .

But people say a lot and do very less . Not having hope sucks , but hopes being crushed on kills . Not being told I love you sucks , but being told I love you and being forgotten about kills .

I hate when someone tells me they love me , wait you don’t love ” me ” , you love parts of me . You like the me , who never leaves you when you’re sad . The one that is so stupid . The one who laughs through it all . But where are you when I am sad ? When I don’t want to live anymore ? Where are you when I am fighting all alone wishing I was not alone ? YOU DON’T GET TO SAY I LOVE YOU WHEN YOU DON’T MEAN IT ! I am so sick of being told things.  I literally have lost faith that something good will ever come my way . I just keep giving life chances , that maybe someday , it’ll suck a little less . 

I wish I was Hannah , I wish I could just give up and not hope anymore .But I have hopes  , no matter what  .

Maybe I am bad person to deserve this , but I never told anyone I loved them and then left them to cry because I wasn’t brave enough to love all parts of them .

I will listen to anybody on anyday , but I don’t get listened to enough .

Peace ✌

Self Help, Thoughts

Will I be missed ?

Walking away from people you love is not the best thing in the world  . But just sometimes you have to put yourself ahead of everything else and the move the hell on .

When you love someone , you care and you only have a certain amount of care , so when you care about someone else  , you start to care a little less about yourself and you start dripping off your “care ” package . But people leave , dead or alive , they leave and then you are left there with an empty bottle of  ” care ”  ,filling it with pathetic .  And this is my worst nightmare ever , being walked on .

I will rather walk away myself than feeling miserable because then I ‘ll know what I did it for,  but when people leave , there never is an explanation to that . I never tell anyone ” Hey you , I love you and I am afraid , I might loose you because someday you ‘ll realise how ugly and pathetic I am “. No , I don’t say that and I don’t think anyone does . And even if someone ever told me this I will never believe it because , I am a pathetic loser and I will always wonder what I did wrong . And I don’t want to  . 

Also when I leave , I know it will be less of an  issue to them than it will be to me when they leave . I need to watch the casualities , Don’t I ? I wonder if it ever is an issue because I somehow know how to trick people into thinking that they were the ones to walk on me . People are so damn gullible . And shit ! I wish I didn’t always have to be the bad person , when I am not . I wish someone saw deep into me .

And most of the times when I try to walk away , it is like I was holding onto a helium balloon and you know it sucks to find out that people don’t give a shit about you . It sucks when you are down for them , for like years and they are just about cheese , when you believe in walking volcanoes with . When you  pull off for a second and they just run away from you . And it sucks that it is not just one person , but everyone I know . And now I think maybe I will leave them the hell alone but I know  even on their slightest call , I will be head over heels , even when I hate to be . I am still trying to loosen the grip , my grip , because I love my helium balloons .

Our lives are like houses , it can contain certain amount of people .You can’t be everybody’s and you can’t have everybody . So, I don’t want to stay in these houses and block the way of people who can make them into home , also I don’t want to keep people who don’t feel like home with me .With people now , I feel like they are stuck with me and want help to get out of my life , I ‘ll open the door .

It is one of the toughest time for me , I wish someone could tell me , if just evacuating my house all at once is a good idea ?