Thoughts

Depression is haunting me again …

I have been baffled if I should write or not . I want to , but I feel like I do this to validate myself with the likes and followers I have here …That maybe I am an attention seeker , maybe depression is just an excuse .

But if it was an excuse , why do I physically feel my heart breaking and my lungs fighting to breathe ? Is it normal ? Can you feel your heart breaking , out of the blue ? Do you sometimes forget to breathe ,too ? I just want to know …

I’ll tell you the truth , I wrote in one of my blogs that if you try to keep yourself happy , you become happy eventually , truthfully it works , but sometimes ,I know I will never heal and I don’t want my life to be a game of play-pretend . 

I wanted my blog to be an escape , to be my way to helping others out of their depression … But I am shit … I am an attention seeker , right ? I know , and truthfully , I do need attention and I do need help , because I can’t do it anymore …I can’t help myself out . 

I keep telling my friends that they’ll be fine , when I know I’ll be not . I wish somebody cared enough to ask me if I am okay ? and meant it . But people don’t care about ugly ,fat attention seekers.  

You know what I’ll be fine . Maybe writing is not what I’m good at , but I like writing more than I do living , well I hate living , I would take death in a heartbeat , life is bad , I’ll never recover . I ‘ll be a piece of trash everyone hates and I’ll always seek my happiness through likes and followers .

I know this probably does not make any sense to you … Lol … My exsistence doesn’t either ? What a co – incidence .. or is it ? 

Self Help, Thoughts

Will I be missed ?

Walking away from people you love is not the best thing in the world  . But just sometimes you have to put yourself ahead of everything else and the move the hell on .

When you love someone , you care and you only have a certain amount of care , so when you care about someone else  , you start to care a little less about yourself and you start dripping off your “care ” package . But people leave , dead or alive , they leave and then you are left there with an empty bottle of  ” care ”  ,filling it with pathetic .  And this is my worst nightmare ever , being walked on .

I will rather walk away myself than feeling miserable because then I ‘ll know what I did it for,  but when people leave , there never is an explanation to that . I never tell anyone ” Hey you , I love you and I am afraid , I might loose you because someday you ‘ll realise how ugly and pathetic I am “. No , I don’t say that and I don’t think anyone does . And even if someone ever told me this I will never believe it because , I am a pathetic loser and I will always wonder what I did wrong . And I don’t want to  . 

Also when I leave , I know it will be less of an  issue to them than it will be to me when they leave . I need to watch the casualities , Don’t I ? I wonder if it ever is an issue because I somehow know how to trick people into thinking that they were the ones to walk on me . People are so damn gullible . And shit ! I wish I didn’t always have to be the bad person , when I am not . I wish someone saw deep into me .

And most of the times when I try to walk away , it is like I was holding onto a helium balloon and you know it sucks to find out that people don’t give a shit about you . It sucks when you are down for them , for like years and they are just about cheese , when you believe in walking volcanoes with . When you  pull off for a second and they just run away from you . And it sucks that it is not just one person , but everyone I know . And now I think maybe I will leave them the hell alone but I know  even on their slightest call , I will be head over heels , even when I hate to be . I am still trying to loosen the grip , my grip , because I love my helium balloons .

Our lives are like houses , it can contain certain amount of people .You can’t be everybody’s and you can’t have everybody . So, I don’t want to stay in these houses and block the way of people who can make them into home , also I don’t want to keep people who don’t feel like home with me .With people now , I feel like they are stuck with me and want help to get out of my life , I ‘ll open the door .

It is one of the toughest time for me , I wish someone could tell me , if just evacuating my house all at once is a good idea ?