Thoughts

Vent 1

Today, I cried and people say crying feels good. Does it really? I mean, I feel like something is off me, but I feel weak. I have been trying so hard to not cry yet I go around telling people I am caught up in a mess, never to tell them what mess. And I know how much it’d suck if  I was in their shoes. 

But, the thing is I don’t think nobody cares, I mean they do, but not enough. I will never be someone’s best friend or the person they like the best in this world. Never. And fair enough, I truly don’t deserve (not saying it for the sake of saying).

And everything, just about everything about my life comes to one conclusion… Why do I not want to die so bad that I really can do something about it? Do I not want it  that bad? What am I scared of? I was not afraid of hurting my parents a few months back, I am now, why did I not do it then?

And the thing about telling people it is tough, I need to stop it don’t I. The title of this blog is Vent 1, but what have I ever done here than to vent?! 

See the thing is, I don’t want to tell people anything that goes inside my head, but I do have my triggers, I am only human. Idk what it makes them think of me. I had think I am an attention whore, am I? Well most probably yes. But what do I do so I can hold everything to myself? Tell me, what the fuck do I do?

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Thoughts

Bad Life

I think I use the word “anxiety” or “crying” a little too often, so often that people think I don’t mean them. I don’t even know if people think about me. And I am mentally and physically breaking down, I WANT TO SHOUT and SCREAM and cry and just ask someone for hugs, because know what? I can’t, I can’t do it on my own anymore. I want to die but I don’t want to put in efforts and how do I ever explain myself to someone other? I have tried and it just gets worse, I don’t even know how I feel, because my health has been worse than ever and my mind is a shitty place and friends don’t understand and family? family is already bothered. 

The only thing I have ever been good at is bothering people, and I can think about all of that I have made everyone go through and FUCK! Only if I did not exist so many lives would have been so much better. And someone told me that I am ungrateful for not acknowledging how better I am than before and tbh, I am worse than I ever was, I sure did move on from some shit and I sure as hell am grateful but I always find myself new problems, ONE AFTER THE ANOTHER and really can’t deal with these on my own, can’t tell people about them either. What the hell do I do? What do I do, if not die? 

And when I think about dying, I can’t stand all the hurt it will cause, I don’t think anybody except my parents would notice I am gone after a month or two, but I have been such a pain in the ass to them, they were never the best parents and they could have done some things so much differently and they do hurt me a lot and they probably think I don’t give a shit about them, but I wish I could tell them, I might not love them for what they did to me but I care and I always will. How can I not? 

And people ask me what will make me feel better? Well, not life for sure, Nothing can take back what I have already been through, and maybe people have it worse but How do I stop having these flashblacks and breaking down? You know what I actually feel like, all the time? I feel like when you have stage fear and are made to stand on the stage in front of so many people. Know that rush of anxiety? I feel that all the damn time! When did it get so bad? Why can’t a truck just hit me? How do I escape life?

Can I be honest for once and tell everyone that MY LIFE HAS BEEN SO BAD, Idek what else could go wrong, I mean I know, but you get me? I just want to restart, and really thought college will be that new start but NO! WHEN DOES ANYTHING EVER GO LIKE YOU  PLANNED?  It is the same god damn stupid ass life and who makes it this way? Me! So whom do I kill? Me? 

I wish I can blame it on other people, I do blame it on my Mom, but she only tried her best and Dad too, I am grateful for all the good times and I am not really mad about the bad times, sometimes I think if I was mad enough, I would not have to feel this disgust, because I have been wronged and I should be mad about it, I KNOW, but I so need to stop putting myself their shoes and just feel what I need to feel, I need to stop pushing myself to the extremes of becoming a nice person because I am not a nice person and I am not good at it either , so I just need to be the unkind me, maybe.

Thoughts

11:11 

I wait for the clock to hit 11:11 twice a day , daily . Wishing , I don’t have to be here to wait anymore. 

The past few months have been tough , and I have tried my hardest to be tough . To not talk to people about , how fucking hard my life is getting . I know I most probably have clinical depression and that nothing can make me feel better and I think this is great . Because when ,I only had depression because of my “shitty life ” , I  knew I could get better . But now , I can’t and it is like something I’ll have to live with forever , I don’t even feel like depressed anymore . I feel just like a dam trying too hard to keep depression away from my mind . I don’t know how long it would be before , I break down . 

I have tried self talk and positive talks and “get over it” talk and I am seriously better but I feel like I am forcing it onto myself , to be happy , when I really am not . Or maybe I just don’t want to feel better , because sometimes , I crave depression and I start trying to get back to being the sad person I was . Sometimes , I’ll just be sitting there , just fine and then suddenly , I want to feel that hollow feeling , I would go to extremes for that . 

I have more drafts than the blogs I published because I just can’t get over the ” I am not good enough ” phase . So Tonight I am going to wait for the clock to hit 11:11 again and wish for me to love myself . 

Peace .

Thoughts

Depression is haunting me again …

I have been baffled if I should write or not . I want to , but I feel like I do this to validate myself with the likes and followers I have here …That maybe I am an attention seeker , maybe depression is just an excuse .

But if it was an excuse , why do I physically feel my heart breaking and my lungs fighting to breathe ? Is it normal ? Can you feel your heart breaking , out of the blue ? Do you sometimes forget to breathe ,too ? I just want to know …

I’ll tell you the truth , I wrote in one of my blogs that if you try to keep yourself happy , you become happy eventually , truthfully it works , but sometimes ,I know I will never heal and I don’t want my life to be a game of play-pretend . 

I wanted my blog to be an escape , to be my way to helping others out of their depression … But I am shit … I am an attention seeker , right ? I know , and truthfully , I do need attention and I do need help , because I can’t do it anymore …I can’t help myself out . 

I keep telling my friends that they’ll be fine , when I know I’ll be not . I wish somebody cared enough to ask me if I am okay ? and meant it . But people don’t care about ugly ,fat attention seekers.  

You know what I’ll be fine . Maybe writing is not what I’m good at , but I like writing more than I do living , well I hate living , I would take death in a heartbeat , life is bad , I’ll never recover . I ‘ll be a piece of trash everyone hates and I’ll always seek my happiness through likes and followers .

I know this probably does not make any sense to you … Lol … My exsistence doesn’t either ? What a co – incidence .. or is it ? 

Thoughts

Maze of thoughts 

Even stars line together at night ,

Into shapes , making sense .

So I stay awake all night ,

Hoping the same for my thoughts .

 I close my eyes 

and dive into the sea of words not spoken .

It just gets scarier each day  ,

because my nightmares always turn into reality !

Escaping my thoughts is like being in a pool ,

and not hoping to feel water .

Pain is okay ,

Nothing is not .

And I feel nothing at all !

Just an empty void in my chest …

And sometimes I want to 

Take my heart and throw it away ,

Because it hurts so  much somedays 

I don’t know why I think it would make me feel okay ?!

I want to die ,

But I still fear height and falling ,

So I guess I don’t want to die just yet .

But then breathing exhausts me .

Caring hurts me .

And hatred breaks my heart !

So I just collapse in the dark ,

With tears up my throat 

Too weak to be strong .

Too strong to cry ,

And too afraid of height to fly !

*Sigh* 

Thoughts

You are not charity .

Forgive people they said , I did . Move on they said , I did .  Is it why I am so empty ? 
Sometimes people break your heart , not because they are evil but they do not give as much as they take  , sucking on to your inner self they breed over your life like fungus . You’ll think , ” Oh , that’s green , How lucky am I ?”  but sooner or later you realise its fungus, you’ll curse yourself for letting it grow , for not being sensible enough , you’ll curse the fungus for being a traitor . Okay now wait ! The fungus was always the fungus , It had done everything it could to let itself grow and you let it , so  before you forgive the fungus ,forgive yourself .

Let me untangle for you what fungus is as a human . They are the people you have fun with but as soon as you’re in trouble or need someone to listen to you , they back off , They will always do the minimal though , call you once in a week , text you and tell you constantly they care . They care , about all you have to give and all they can take. 

We are all fungus to someone else , to our parents  , to our teachers and this is okay but some of us disguise ourselves as ”  green “, as givers and take away everything . And I think that is what hurts , people taking away , when you thought they were giving in too . But they are always those stubborn people who never pay you back and you ? You love them so fucking much , that you start telling yourself that it was their,what they took . That you deserved this heartache , that you deserved this broken heart and that this will leave you stronger than you were.  But you didn’t deserve heartache and not everything makes you stronger . It just makes you less reckless , more insecure and leaves you with trust issues.  You call that strong ? 

So next when someone refuses to pay you back and tries to run away with a piece of your heart , you , yes you have every fucking right to slap them accross their face and take what is yours . You my dear , don’t deserve pain and they don’t deserve you . And you don’t have to give away yourself to make someone happy , I promise you they’ll find someone else and then they will give and take just as they should . You don’t have to be a charity .

Thoughts

She 

She dosen’t cry anymore . She laughs a lot . She talks a lot . She makes fun of you a lot . She annoys  you a lot . Just in hope that maybe something , just something can make her feel alive .Nothing does .

 Have you ever had the sensation of drowning ? I did , twice . Exactly , what she feels like . Except it is not water that she drowns in but life that engulfs her . I know her for a long time , and I remember how when she was 5 she thought she could be anything she wanted to be , a pilot , a doctor and she believed she could do anything , but lately it is going down . And now she thinks , she put her younger self down . The 5 year old her was brave and now she is scared . Scared of ? She dosen’t know . People ask her once in a while , if she is okay ? And sometimes she wants to tell them she is not , because SHE IS NOT , but she tells them she is fine because she has tried the other way too , but people really don’t care . They’ll tell you they are there for you , but sadness scares the shit out of people 

So she thought maybe she should die , but she doesn’t want to put effort , anyhow . So , she leaves it on life , gives it up on the flow hoping not doing anything , is the last thing she has to do .

Thoughts

Try .

You know what I find to be a total bullshit ? 

That  depressed people cannot help themselves out of the dump on their own . That you cannot have control over what you feel like .Don’t already judge me ! 

I have been there , feeling worse than I ever thought I will . I knew , I would just give up , die and I didn’t really want to get better. So one fine day things just started going out of my hand , that day I stayed up planning how I am going to end my life , I had my suicide letter planned , there was no way in hell that I was going to live . 

That day , on my way to my classes I saw something , a 6 year old or so boy carrying a disabled and much heavier boy upon his back  , clothes torn and they were both laughing . And I had guilt flush my stupidity . If a 6 year old can get his shit together , I can atleast try ?  So , I just told myself ” You are not sad , you are not depressed , you are you , and you have much more left in yourself than you think you do . Tomorrow you’ll wake up and you’ll be happy ” .

 So did I wake up happy the next day ?  No . But I tried  . When someone pissed me off , I stopped hating on them , I just wishpered to myself  ” They are just different than you are ” . When things started to not be the way I wanted them to be , I just reminded myself , nothing goes in vain and that I ‘ll be able to connect the dots in future and I’ll know why what is happening , happened . Self talks are the best therapy . I read a lot of quotes that said ” Do not tell a depressed person to get over it ” and “Don’t be sad ” . Okay I get it , If someone tells me ” GET OVER IT ” , It’ll piss me off . But you owe yourself that . For one last time , put yourself ahead of you . Yes . You are your body and yourself is everything inside that skin , your heart , your lungs , your gut , They did everything they could for you, ever since you were born  . Your lungs still work somehow even after all the times you lost your breath crying over that boy or girl or a failed test . Your heart still pumps blood , not for you to self harm . No don’t do it for your parents  this time , don’t do it in hopes of better future , do it for yourself .

You know your struggles , you know yourself and you need to reminded that your brain is your slave and not the other way around.  Just before sleeping today , tell yourself , you’ll wake up happy and do it for as many days you can , and one day you’ll forget to tell yourself because, you ‘ll know that you are happy. 

Xoxo