Vent 1

Today, I cried and people say crying feels good. Does it really? I mean, I feel like something is off me, but I feel weak. I have been trying so hard to not cry yet I go around telling people I am caught up in a mess, never to tell them what mess. And I know how much it’d suck if  I was in their shoes. 

But, the thing is I don’t think nobody cares, I mean they do, but not enough. I will never be someone’s best friend or the person they like the best in this world. Never. And fair enough, I truly don’t deserve (not saying it for the sake of saying).

And everything, just about everything about my life comes to one conclusion… Why do I not want to die so bad that I really can do something about it? Do I not want it  that bad? What am I scared of? I was not afraid of hurting my parents a few months back, I am now, why did I not do it then?

And the thing about telling people it is tough, I need to stop it don’t I. The title of this blog is Vent 1, but what have I ever done here than to vent?! 

See the thing is, I don’t want to tell people anything that goes inside my head, but I do have my triggers, I am only human. Idk what it makes them think of me. I had think I am an attention whore, am I? Well most probably yes. But what do I do so I can hold everything to myself? Tell me, what the fuck do I do?


Bad Life

I think I use the word “anxiety” or “crying” a little too often, so often that people think I don’t mean them. I don’t even know if people think about me. And I am mentally and physically breaking down, I WANT TO SHOUT and SCREAM and cry and just ask someone for hugs, because know what? I can’t, I can’t do it on my own anymore. I want to die but I don’t want to put in efforts and how do I ever explain myself to someone other? I have tried and it just gets worse, I don’t even know how I feel, because my health has been worse than ever and my mind is a shitty place and friends don’t understand and family? family is already bothered. 

The only thing I have ever been good at is bothering people, and I can think about all of that I have made everyone go through and FUCK! Only if I did not exist so many lives would have been so much better. And someone told me that I am ungrateful for not acknowledging how better I am than before and tbh, I am worse than I ever was, I sure did move on from some shit and I sure as hell am grateful but I always find myself new problems, ONE AFTER THE ANOTHER and really can’t deal with these on my own, can’t tell people about them either. What the hell do I do? What do I do, if not die? 

And when I think about dying, I can’t stand all the hurt it will cause, I don’t think anybody except my parents would notice I am gone after a month or two, but I have been such a pain in the ass to them, they were never the best parents and they could have done some things so much differently and they do hurt me a lot and they probably think I don’t give a shit about them, but I wish I could tell them, I might not love them for what they did to me but I care and I always will. How can I not? 

And people ask me what will make me feel better? Well, not life for sure, Nothing can take back what I have already been through, and maybe people have it worse but How do I stop having these flashblacks and breaking down? You know what I actually feel like, all the time? I feel like when you have stage fear and are made to stand on the stage in front of so many people. Know that rush of anxiety? I feel that all the damn time! When did it get so bad? Why can’t a truck just hit me? How do I escape life?

Can I be honest for once and tell everyone that MY LIFE HAS BEEN SO BAD, Idek what else could go wrong, I mean I know, but you get me? I just want to restart, and really thought college will be that new start but NO! WHEN DOES ANYTHING EVER GO LIKE YOU  PLANNED?  It is the same god damn stupid ass life and who makes it this way? Me! So whom do I kill? Me? 

I wish I can blame it on other people, I do blame it on my Mom, but she only tried her best and Dad too, I am grateful for all the good times and I am not really mad about the bad times, sometimes I think if I was mad enough, I would not have to feel this disgust, because I have been wronged and I should be mad about it, I KNOW, but I so need to stop putting myself their shoes and just feel what I need to feel, I need to stop pushing myself to the extremes of becoming a nice person because I am not a nice person and I am not good at it either , so I just need to be the unkind me, maybe.


Maze of thoughts 

Even stars line together at night ,

Into shapes , making sense .

So I stay awake all night ,

Hoping the same for my thoughts .

 I close my eyes 

and dive into the sea of words not spoken .

It just gets scarier each day  ,

because my nightmares always turn into reality !

Escaping my thoughts is like being in a pool ,

and not hoping to feel water .

Pain is okay ,

Nothing is not .

And I feel nothing at all !

Just an empty void in my chest …

And sometimes I want to 

Take my heart and throw it away ,

Because it hurts so  much somedays 

I don’t know why I think it would make me feel okay ?!

I want to die ,

But I still fear height and falling ,

So I guess I don’t want to die just yet .

But then breathing exhausts me .

Caring hurts me .

And hatred breaks my heart !

So I just collapse in the dark ,

With tears up my throat 

Too weak to be strong .

Too strong to cry ,

And too afraid of height to fly !




She dosen’t cry anymore . She laughs a lot . She talks a lot . She makes fun of you a lot . She annoys  you a lot . Just in hope that maybe something , just something can make her feel alive .Nothing does .

 Have you ever had the sensation of drowning ? I did , twice . Exactly , what she feels like . Except it is not water that she drowns in but life that engulfs her . I know her for a long time , and I remember how when she was 5 she thought she could be anything she wanted to be , a pilot , a doctor and she believed she could do anything , but lately it is going down . And now she thinks , she put her younger self down . The 5 year old her was brave and now she is scared . Scared of ? She dosen’t know . People ask her once in a while , if she is okay ? And sometimes she wants to tell them she is not , because SHE IS NOT , but she tells them she is fine because she has tried the other way too , but people really don’t care . They’ll tell you they are there for you , but sadness scares the shit out of people 

So she thought maybe she should die , but she doesn’t want to put effort , anyhow . So , she leaves it on life , gives it up on the flow hoping not doing anything , is the last thing she has to do .


Try .

You know what I find to be a total bullshit ? 

That  depressed people cannot help themselves out of the dump on their own . That you cannot have control over what you feel like .Don’t already judge me ! 

I have been there , feeling worse than I ever thought I will . I knew , I would just give up , die and I didn’t really want to get better. So one fine day things just started going out of my hand , that day I stayed up planning how I am going to end my life , I had my suicide letter planned , there was no way in hell that I was going to live . 

That day , on my way to my classes I saw something , a 6 year old or so boy carrying a disabled and much heavier boy upon his back  , clothes torn and they were both laughing . And I had guilt flush my stupidity . If a 6 year old can get his shit together , I can atleast try ?  So , I just told myself ” You are not sad , you are not depressed , you are you , and you have much more left in yourself than you think you do . Tomorrow you’ll wake up and you’ll be happy ” .

 So did I wake up happy the next day ?  No . But I tried  . When someone pissed me off , I stopped hating on them , I just wishpered to myself  ” They are just different than you are ” . When things started to not be the way I wanted them to be , I just reminded myself , nothing goes in vain and that I ‘ll be able to connect the dots in future and I’ll know why what is happening , happened . Self talks are the best therapy . I read a lot of quotes that said ” Do not tell a depressed person to get over it ” and “Don’t be sad ” . Okay I get it , If someone tells me ” GET OVER IT ” , It’ll piss me off . But you owe yourself that . For one last time , put yourself ahead of you . Yes . You are your body and yourself is everything inside that skin , your heart , your lungs , your gut , They did everything they could for you, ever since you were born  . Your lungs still work somehow even after all the times you lost your breath crying over that boy or girl or a failed test . Your heart still pumps blood , not for you to self harm . No don’t do it for your parents  this time , don’t do it in hopes of better future , do it for yourself .

You know your struggles , you know yourself and you need to reminded that your brain is your slave and not the other way around.  Just before sleeping today , tell yourself , you’ll wake up happy and do it for as many days you can , and one day you’ll forget to tell yourself because, you ‘ll know that you are happy. 



All I have become …

I am staring at the walls again , thinking if my life has a purpose ? If I will ever find someone who would love me.  But I guess , I am too selfish to deserve love . I never deserved , I never will. 

My mom says , It is Karma . But Mom , How would you explain it to the 4 year old me ? I still remember , how hopeless I was that day.  And I guess I will never get over it . 

Mom also says  , being an atheist is the one to blame . But Mom, I was 10 when I cried the most I ever did , I promised God I will be a good girl .But guess what ? He dosen’t exsist because that day I prayed for someone other than me . I wasn’t even selfish , I swear .

Dad , remember I never asked for anything more than a chocolate or a toy ?   I was okay being the”SECOND “one to be asked , because I thought , I deserved less . But did I really ? Because now I am the only one and guess what ? I am treated better .

My teacher told me I am a pessimist . But Ma’am why did you not care enough that a 10  year old never saw the bright side ? And now that is what I have become 

I had a friend , ever since we stopped talking , I never found someone to call a friend . It has been six years now , I was the one to slap ? But why did you not listen to me that day ? Because I cared , and I never did , ever again .

And I had another friend , she loved me but I didn’t care enough and now I ruined it  too . And I am afraid , I don’t know how to love back .

I was 14 , when I was bullied for the way I looked , but I was the “popular kid ”  , so no one really cared enough that I get hurt . Guess what ? I did get hurt . You did crush my self esteem . I fight for it everday ! 

My friend asked me , if I ever fell in love ? Dear , I am too afraid , to break someone’s heart . I am not “something” , to be loved , I scare people away . And I am too selfish to fall in one sided love .

I stood there in front of 600 people , repeated a script I had been practsing for weeks , they thought I was confident . But I couldn’t feel my legs for days after that .

My grades keep declining , I blamed it on depression for a while but I guess you have to work to get a pay ? 

A teacher asked us if somebody had depression  , I was the first one to raise my hand , I am not ashamed of it now . So , my classmate asked me ” You don’t seem to be ?” It was the best complinent ever  , was all that I managed to say .

I sat in the class for hours , ignoring my so called friends , they thought I was arrogant and never cared enough if I was alright , because the very next moment I was laughing . 

And this is what I have become now . Hopeless , unlovable , atheist , scared and moreover numb .