Thoughts

Fucked up ! 

There should be a reason . A reason why I am so fucked up ? A reason why everyone else is ? 

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Thoughts

Maze of thoughts 

Even stars line together at night ,

Into shapes , making sense .

So I stay awake all night ,

Hoping the same for my thoughts .

 I close my eyes 

and dive into the sea of words not spoken .

It just gets scarier each day  ,

because my nightmares always turn into reality !

Escaping my thoughts is like being in a pool ,

and not hoping to feel water .

Pain is okay ,

Nothing is not .

And I feel nothing at all !

Just an empty void in my chest …

And sometimes I want to 

Take my heart and throw it away ,

Because it hurts so  much somedays 

I don’t know why I think it would make me feel okay ?!

I want to die ,

But I still fear height and falling ,

So I guess I don’t want to die just yet .

But then breathing exhausts me .

Caring hurts me .

And hatred breaks my heart !

So I just collapse in the dark ,

With tears up my throat 

Too weak to be strong .

Too strong to cry ,

And too afraid of height to fly !

*Sigh* 

Thoughts

She 

She dosen’t cry anymore . She laughs a lot . She talks a lot . She makes fun of you a lot . She annoys  you a lot . Just in hope that maybe something , just something can make her feel alive .Nothing does .

 Have you ever had the sensation of drowning ? I did , twice . Exactly , what she feels like . Except it is not water that she drowns in but life that engulfs her . I know her for a long time , and I remember how when she was 5 she thought she could be anything she wanted to be , a pilot , a doctor and she believed she could do anything , but lately it is going down . And now she thinks , she put her younger self down . The 5 year old her was brave and now she is scared . Scared of ? She dosen’t know . People ask her once in a while , if she is okay ? And sometimes she wants to tell them she is not , because SHE IS NOT , but she tells them she is fine because she has tried the other way too , but people really don’t care . They’ll tell you they are there for you , but sadness scares the shit out of people 

So she thought maybe she should die , but she doesn’t want to put effort , anyhow . So , she leaves it on life , gives it up on the flow hoping not doing anything , is the last thing she has to do .

Thoughts

Try .

You know what I find to be a total bullshit ? 

That  depressed people cannot help themselves out of the dump on their own . That you cannot have control over what you feel like .Don’t already judge me ! 

I have been there , feeling worse than I ever thought I will . I knew , I would just give up , die and I didn’t really want to get better. So one fine day things just started going out of my hand , that day I stayed up planning how I am going to end my life , I had my suicide letter planned , there was no way in hell that I was going to live . 

That day , on my way to my classes I saw something , a 6 year old or so boy carrying a disabled and much heavier boy upon his back  , clothes torn and they were both laughing . And I had guilt flush my stupidity . If a 6 year old can get his shit together , I can atleast try ?  So , I just told myself ” You are not sad , you are not depressed , you are you , and you have much more left in yourself than you think you do . Tomorrow you’ll wake up and you’ll be happy ” .

 So did I wake up happy the next day ?  No . But I tried  . When someone pissed me off , I stopped hating on them , I just wishpered to myself  ” They are just different than you are ” . When things started to not be the way I wanted them to be , I just reminded myself , nothing goes in vain and that I ‘ll be able to connect the dots in future and I’ll know why what is happening , happened . Self talks are the best therapy . I read a lot of quotes that said ” Do not tell a depressed person to get over it ” and “Don’t be sad ” . Okay I get it , If someone tells me ” GET OVER IT ” , It’ll piss me off . But you owe yourself that . For one last time , put yourself ahead of you . Yes . You are your body and yourself is everything inside that skin , your heart , your lungs , your gut , They did everything they could for you, ever since you were born  . Your lungs still work somehow even after all the times you lost your breath crying over that boy or girl or a failed test . Your heart still pumps blood , not for you to self harm . No don’t do it for your parents  this time , don’t do it in hopes of better future , do it for yourself .

You know your struggles , you know yourself and you need to reminded that your brain is your slave and not the other way around.  Just before sleeping today , tell yourself , you’ll wake up happy and do it for as many days you can , and one day you’ll forget to tell yourself because, you ‘ll know that you are happy. 

Xoxo 

Thoughts

All I have become …

I am staring at the walls again , thinking if my life has a purpose ? If I will ever find someone who would love me.  But I guess , I am too selfish to deserve love . I never deserved , I never will. 

My mom says , It is Karma . But Mom , How would you explain it to the 4 year old me ? I still remember , how hopeless I was that day.  And I guess I will never get over it . 

Mom also says  , being an atheist is the one to blame . But Mom, I was 10 when I cried the most I ever did , I promised God I will be a good girl .But guess what ? He dosen’t exsist because that day I prayed for someone other than me . I wasn’t even selfish , I swear .

Dad , remember I never asked for anything more than a chocolate or a toy ?   I was okay being the”SECOND “one to be asked , because I thought , I deserved less . But did I really ? Because now I am the only one and guess what ? I am treated better .

My teacher told me I am a pessimist . But Ma’am why did you not care enough that a 10  year old never saw the bright side ? And now that is what I have become 

I had a friend , ever since we stopped talking , I never found someone to call a friend . It has been six years now , I was the one to slap ? But why did you not listen to me that day ? Because I cared , and I never did , ever again .

And I had another friend , she loved me but I didn’t care enough and now I ruined it  too . And I am afraid , I don’t know how to love back .

I was 14 , when I was bullied for the way I looked , but I was the “popular kid ”  , so no one really cared enough that I get hurt . Guess what ? I did get hurt . You did crush my self esteem . I fight for it everday ! 

My friend asked me , if I ever fell in love ? Dear , I am too afraid , to break someone’s heart . I am not “something” , to be loved , I scare people away . And I am too selfish to fall in one sided love .

I stood there in front of 600 people , repeated a script I had been practsing for weeks , they thought I was confident . But I couldn’t feel my legs for days after that .

My grades keep declining , I blamed it on depression for a while but I guess you have to work to get a pay ? 

A teacher asked us if somebody had depression  , I was the first one to raise my hand , I am not ashamed of it now . So , my classmate asked me ” You don’t seem to be ?” It was the best complinent ever  , was all that I managed to say .

I sat in the class for hours , ignoring my so called friends , they thought I was arrogant and never cared enough if I was alright , because the very next moment I was laughing . 

And this is what I have become now . Hopeless , unlovable , atheist , scared and moreover numb .