I am staring at the walls again , thinking if my life has a purpose ? If I will ever find someone who would love me. But I guess , I am too selfish to deserve love . I never deserved , I never will.
My mom says , It is Karma . But Mom , How would you explain it to the 4 year old me ? I still remember , how hopeless I was that day. And I guess I will never get over it .
Mom also says , being an atheist is the one to blame . But Mom, I was 10 when I cried the most I ever did , I promised God I will be a good girl .But guess what ? He dosen’t exsist because that day I prayed for someone other than me . I wasn’t even selfish , I swear .
Dad , remember I never asked for anything more than a chocolate or a toy ? I was okay being the”SECOND “one to be asked , because I thought , I deserved less . But did I really ? Because now I am the only one and guess what ? I am treated better .
My teacher told me I am a pessimist . But Ma’am why did you not care enough that a 10 year old never saw the bright side ? And now that is what I have become
I had a friend , ever since we stopped talking , I never found someone to call a friend . It has been six years now , I was the one to slap ? But why did you not listen to me that day ? Because I cared , and I never did , ever again .
And I had another friend , she loved me but I didn’t care enough and now I ruined it too . And I am afraid , I don’t know how to love back .
I was 14 , when I was bullied for the way I looked , but I was the “popular kid ” , so no one really cared enough that I get hurt . Guess what ? I did get hurt . You did crush my self esteem . I fight for it everday !
My friend asked me , if I ever fell in love ? Dear , I am too afraid , to break someone’s heart . I am not “something” , to be loved , I scare people away . And I am too selfish to fall in one sided love .
I stood there in front of 600 people , repeated a script I had been practsing for weeks , they thought I was confident . But I couldn’t feel my legs for days after that .
My grades keep declining , I blamed it on depression for a while but I guess you have to work to get a pay ?
A teacher asked us if somebody had depression , I was the first one to raise my hand , I am not ashamed of it now . So , my classmate asked me ” You don’t seem to be ?” It was the best complinent ever , was all that I managed to say .
I sat in the class for hours , ignoring my so called friends , they thought I was arrogant and never cared enough if I was alright , because the very next moment I was laughing .
And this is what I have become now . Hopeless , unlovable , atheist , scared and moreover numb .