Thoughts

Dear Moon 

I looked at the moon ,

I looked at the stars ,

Nothing .

In my brain there are thousands and millions  of wars ,

” What if they think I am ugly ? ” 

“What if nobody likes me ? ” 

“What if all my life I stay lonely ?” 

There was a time , the moon could cure .

But now maybe , it isn’t itself sure .

I get it .

I am hard .

I am complicated .

You give up right ? 

I thought like you helped the sky glow bright and fear away its dark night .

I thought maybe , you could help me not cry .

I look at you ,

Bright but pale .

Just like me .

We make the perfect irony .

Trying to light up the sky ,

When the sun is firing right at our backs .

This is sad .

They say you and I have stars .

Little do they know , they are thousand miled apart .

Just a fake shadow , to let them not know .

I will tell you a secret ,

I am just like you. 

I start up as a full moon ,

I am half until its noon ,

And then I disappear in night’s loom .

I have scars , just like you .

Reminder of all those wars ,

But you’re beautiful .

They say your scars make you prettier .

But mine ? 

They keep telling me ways to let them disappear .

You have thousands of me ,

Loving you ,undoubtedly 

But me ? I am lonely .

I am the one to blame .

I shouldn’t have been ugly .

Right ? I am sorry .

I look at you , hiding behind the clouds .

Like vapour could help you somehow .

Just like me. 

We make the perfect irony. 

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Thoughts

Maze of thoughts 

Even stars line together at night ,

Into shapes , making sense .

So I stay awake all night ,

Hoping the same for my thoughts .

 I close my eyes 

and dive into the sea of words not spoken .

It just gets scarier each day  ,

because my nightmares always turn into reality !

Escaping my thoughts is like being in a pool ,

and not hoping to feel water .

Pain is okay ,

Nothing is not .

And I feel nothing at all !

Just an empty void in my chest …

And sometimes I want to 

Take my heart and throw it away ,

Because it hurts so  much somedays 

I don’t know why I think it would make me feel okay ?!

I want to die ,

But I still fear height and falling ,

So I guess I don’t want to die just yet .

But then breathing exhausts me .

Caring hurts me .

And hatred breaks my heart !

So I just collapse in the dark ,

With tears up my throat 

Too weak to be strong .

Too strong to cry ,

And too afraid of height to fly !

*Sigh* 

Thoughts

Her Eyes 

They tell her, she has beautiful eyes .Big , Dark , Long curled eyelashes and dominant eyebrows. She always thanks them for their “compliment ” , her curse . And at home she goes in front of the mirror and stares right into her own eyes , they seem lifeless to her   . She dosen’t dare to look at anything but her eyes , because her eyes are her only hope to find beauty in . But she can see her face , she can see all her flaws , she dosen’t want to . She just sits there staring .

 Chapped lips , from all the times she got anxious and couldn’t help but bite them . Her sunburnt skin , because putting on a sunscreen is too much work for her , she is not patient anymore . She looks  at her arms , cuts , scars , cuts , bruises , cuts , she is so careless . Her imaginary cat has gone crazy .  She looks at her body , no ! she looks away instantly , stretch marks run along her body like maps , maps ? To everything she ever ate . Her nails are not painted , they are not even the same size , they are all the wrong size , she is the wrong size .

Tears roll down her “beautiful ” eyes , tracing their way to her chaped lips , its like rain in a drought .  But she keeps staring , and it hurts so bad , she wishes she didn’t have eyes to see , see THIS . Her curse .

Thoughts

She 

She dosen’t cry anymore . She laughs a lot . She talks a lot . She makes fun of you a lot . She annoys  you a lot . Just in hope that maybe something , just something can make her feel alive .Nothing does .

 Have you ever had the sensation of drowning ? I did , twice . Exactly , what she feels like . Except it is not water that she drowns in but life that engulfs her . I know her for a long time , and I remember how when she was 5 she thought she could be anything she wanted to be , a pilot , a doctor and she believed she could do anything , but lately it is going down . And now she thinks , she put her younger self down . The 5 year old her was brave and now she is scared . Scared of ? She dosen’t know . People ask her once in a while , if she is okay ? And sometimes she wants to tell them she is not , because SHE IS NOT , but she tells them she is fine because she has tried the other way too , but people really don’t care . They’ll tell you they are there for you , but sadness scares the shit out of people 

So she thought maybe she should die , but she doesn’t want to put effort , anyhow . So , she leaves it on life , gives it up on the flow hoping not doing anything , is the last thing she has to do .

Thoughts

Try .

You know what I find to be a total bullshit ? 

That  depressed people cannot help themselves out of the dump on their own . That you cannot have control over what you feel like .Don’t already judge me ! 

I have been there , feeling worse than I ever thought I will . I knew , I would just give up , die and I didn’t really want to get better. So one fine day things just started going out of my hand , that day I stayed up planning how I am going to end my life , I had my suicide letter planned , there was no way in hell that I was going to live . 

That day , on my way to my classes I saw something , a 6 year old or so boy carrying a disabled and much heavier boy upon his back  , clothes torn and they were both laughing . And I had guilt flush my stupidity . If a 6 year old can get his shit together , I can atleast try ?  So , I just told myself ” You are not sad , you are not depressed , you are you , and you have much more left in yourself than you think you do . Tomorrow you’ll wake up and you’ll be happy ” .

 So did I wake up happy the next day ?  No . But I tried  . When someone pissed me off , I stopped hating on them , I just wishpered to myself  ” They are just different than you are ” . When things started to not be the way I wanted them to be , I just reminded myself , nothing goes in vain and that I ‘ll be able to connect the dots in future and I’ll know why what is happening , happened . Self talks are the best therapy . I read a lot of quotes that said ” Do not tell a depressed person to get over it ” and “Don’t be sad ” . Okay I get it , If someone tells me ” GET OVER IT ” , It’ll piss me off . But you owe yourself that . For one last time , put yourself ahead of you . Yes . You are your body and yourself is everything inside that skin , your heart , your lungs , your gut , They did everything they could for you, ever since you were born  . Your lungs still work somehow even after all the times you lost your breath crying over that boy or girl or a failed test . Your heart still pumps blood , not for you to self harm . No don’t do it for your parents  this time , don’t do it in hopes of better future , do it for yourself .

You know your struggles , you know yourself and you need to reminded that your brain is your slave and not the other way around.  Just before sleeping today , tell yourself , you’ll wake up happy and do it for as many days you can , and one day you’ll forget to tell yourself because, you ‘ll know that you are happy. 

Xoxo 

Thoughts

All I have become …

I am staring at the walls again , thinking if my life has a purpose ? If I will ever find someone who would love me.  But I guess , I am too selfish to deserve love . I never deserved , I never will. 

My mom says , It is Karma . But Mom , How would you explain it to the 4 year old me ? I still remember , how hopeless I was that day.  And I guess I will never get over it . 

Mom also says  , being an atheist is the one to blame . But Mom, I was 10 when I cried the most I ever did , I promised God I will be a good girl .But guess what ? He dosen’t exsist because that day I prayed for someone other than me . I wasn’t even selfish , I swear .

Dad , remember I never asked for anything more than a chocolate or a toy ?   I was okay being the”SECOND “one to be asked , because I thought , I deserved less . But did I really ? Because now I am the only one and guess what ? I am treated better .

My teacher told me I am a pessimist . But Ma’am why did you not care enough that a 10  year old never saw the bright side ? And now that is what I have become 

I had a friend , ever since we stopped talking , I never found someone to call a friend . It has been six years now , I was the one to slap ? But why did you not listen to me that day ? Because I cared , and I never did , ever again .

And I had another friend , she loved me but I didn’t care enough and now I ruined it  too . And I am afraid , I don’t know how to love back .

I was 14 , when I was bullied for the way I looked , but I was the “popular kid ”  , so no one really cared enough that I get hurt . Guess what ? I did get hurt . You did crush my self esteem . I fight for it everday ! 

My friend asked me , if I ever fell in love ? Dear , I am too afraid , to break someone’s heart . I am not “something” , to be loved , I scare people away . And I am too selfish to fall in one sided love .

I stood there in front of 600 people , repeated a script I had been practsing for weeks , they thought I was confident . But I couldn’t feel my legs for days after that .

My grades keep declining , I blamed it on depression for a while but I guess you have to work to get a pay ? 

A teacher asked us if somebody had depression  , I was the first one to raise my hand , I am not ashamed of it now . So , my classmate asked me ” You don’t seem to be ?” It was the best complinent ever  , was all that I managed to say .

I sat in the class for hours , ignoring my so called friends , they thought I was arrogant and never cared enough if I was alright , because the very next moment I was laughing . 

And this is what I have become now . Hopeless , unlovable , atheist , scared and moreover numb .

 

Thoughts

13 reasons Why ? 

I read the book last year and I really don’t have a clear picture of what I read but I do remember how I felt ? 

EXPOSED .

There are some book like John Green says , that you can’t keep to yourself and you want every human being to read it and there are some other books that you just want to keep to yourself because they are so awfully beautiful . “13 reasons why?” was both to me . After I read the book , I felt devasted , on the top of the devastated I already was . And I wanted everyone to read it , to know how I felt . How difficult it is sometimes and How small things can truly fuck with someone’s life . 

You never know what damage you are doing to someone . And you don’t get to choose  when someone tells you , you hurt them . 

When I read the book and when I saw the series a year after , I felt the same  , like someone just told everyone how fucked up I am .Like it was not Hannah , but me . Even though our stories are different , the way we feel is the same .

People treat you like shit , because they can’t handle their fucking shit .

You know what people like Hannah and I need ? To be listened to , to be fought for , to be told that maybe we are fucked up but you’ll stay by our side FOREVER  and for you to say all this and mean it .

But people say a lot and do very less . Not having hope sucks , but hopes being crushed on kills . Not being told I love you sucks , but being told I love you and being forgotten about kills .

I hate when someone tells me they love me , wait you don’t love ” me ” , you love parts of me . You like the me , who never leaves you when you’re sad . The one that is so stupid . The one who laughs through it all . But where are you when I am sad ? When I don’t want to live anymore ? Where are you when I am fighting all alone wishing I was not alone ? YOU DON’T GET TO SAY I LOVE YOU WHEN YOU DON’T MEAN IT ! I am so sick of being told things.  I literally have lost faith that something good will ever come my way . I just keep giving life chances , that maybe someday , it’ll suck a little less . 

I wish I was Hannah , I wish I could just give up and not hope anymore .But I have hopes  , no matter what  .

Maybe I am bad person to deserve this , but I never told anyone I loved them and then left them to cry because I wasn’t brave enough to love all parts of them .

I will listen to anybody on anyday , but I don’t get listened to enough .

Peace ✌