Thoughts

Dear Moon 

I looked at the moon ,

I looked at the stars ,

Nothing .

In my brain there are thousands and millions  of wars ,

” What if they think I am ugly ? ” 

“What if nobody likes me ? ” 

“What if all my life I stay lonely ?” 

There was a time , the moon could cure .

But now maybe , it isn’t itself sure .

I get it .

I am hard .

I am complicated .

You give up right ? 

I thought like you helped the sky glow bright and fear away its dark night .

I thought maybe , you could help me not cry .

I look at you ,

Bright but pale .

Just like me .

We make the perfect irony .

Trying to light up the sky ,

When the sun is firing right at our backs .

This is sad .

They say you and I have stars .

Little do they know , they are thousand miled apart .

Just a fake shadow , to let them not know .

I will tell you a secret ,

I am just like you. 

I start up as a full moon ,

I am half until its noon ,

And then I disappear in night’s loom .

I have scars , just like you .

Reminder of all those wars ,

But you’re beautiful .

They say your scars make you prettier .

But mine ? 

They keep telling me ways to let them disappear .

You have thousands of me ,

Loving you ,undoubtedly 

But me ? I am lonely .

I am the one to blame .

I shouldn’t have been ugly .

Right ? I am sorry .

I look at you , hiding behind the clouds .

Like vapour could help you somehow .

Just like me. 

We make the perfect irony. 

Thoughts

13 reasons Why ? 

I read the book last year and I really don’t have a clear picture of what I read but I do remember how I felt ? 

EXPOSED .

There are some book like John Green says , that you can’t keep to yourself and you want every human being to read it and there are some other books that you just want to keep to yourself because they are so awfully beautiful . “13 reasons why?” was both to me . After I read the book , I felt devasted , on the top of the devastated I already was . And I wanted everyone to read it , to know how I felt . How difficult it is sometimes and How small things can truly fuck with someone’s life . 

You never know what damage you are doing to someone . And you don’t get to choose  when someone tells you , you hurt them . 

When I read the book and when I saw the series a year after , I felt the same  , like someone just told everyone how fucked up I am .Like it was not Hannah , but me . Even though our stories are different , the way we feel is the same .

People treat you like shit , because they can’t handle their fucking shit .

You know what people like Hannah and I need ? To be listened to , to be fought for , to be told that maybe we are fucked up but you’ll stay by our side FOREVER  and for you to say all this and mean it .

But people say a lot and do very less . Not having hope sucks , but hopes being crushed on kills . Not being told I love you sucks , but being told I love you and being forgotten about kills .

I hate when someone tells me they love me , wait you don’t love ” me ” , you love parts of me . You like the me , who never leaves you when you’re sad . The one that is so stupid . The one who laughs through it all . But where are you when I am sad ? When I don’t want to live anymore ? Where are you when I am fighting all alone wishing I was not alone ? YOU DON’T GET TO SAY I LOVE YOU WHEN YOU DON’T MEAN IT ! I am so sick of being told things.  I literally have lost faith that something good will ever come my way . I just keep giving life chances , that maybe someday , it’ll suck a little less . 

I wish I was Hannah , I wish I could just give up and not hope anymore .But I have hopes  , no matter what  .

Maybe I am bad person to deserve this , but I never told anyone I loved them and then left them to cry because I wasn’t brave enough to love all parts of them .

I will listen to anybody on anyday , but I don’t get listened to enough .

Peace ✌